“Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran
Oh, Shape of You—the song that took over every gym, grocery store, and TikTok dance challenge, ensuring no one could escape its aggressively repetitive beat. It’s like Ed Sheeran looked at a drum machine and thought, Let’s make the whole song sound like this! And those lyrics? “I’m in love with your body” might as well be Tinder’s official anthem, perfect for anyone whose depth of attraction peaks at six-pack abs. Let’s not forget the tropical house vibe, which feels as authentic as a resort piña colada made from powder mix. Ed singing about the club is the funniest part—because let’s be honest, he looks like the guy standing awkwardly by the bar sipping water. But hey, congrats to Ed for making a song so blandly catchy it’s impossible to forget… no matter how much you want to. Someone had to say it!
Still Rocking… or Just Clinging? The Aerosmith Legacy
Aerosmith — The band that refuses to admit it’s time to retire. Steven Tyler’s voice sounds like a cat in a blender, and somehow he’s still screeching about love like he’s in his twenties—newsflash, Steven, no one really wants to close their eyes and miss a thing if the thing is your aging rock falsetto. They’re basically the rock ‘n roll equivalent of that one uncle who shows up to every family event in leather pants, determined to prove he’s still ‘got it.’ Every hit sounds like it’s been dusted off and reheated, like they’ve been recycling the same three guitar riffs since the Carter administration. But you’ve got to hand it to them—they’ve managed to make a career out of one giant midlife crisis on stage. It’s like they’re powered by pure hairspray fumes and nostalgia. Someone had to say it!
Nirvana: The Anti-Establishment Icons Who Accidentally Became the Establishment
Nirvana — The band that made mumbling lyrics an art form and turned disheveled hair and flannel into the ultimate fashion statement. Kurt Cobain’s lyrics are basically a word salad of angst and existential dread, but somehow they convinced an entire generation that ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ was profound instead of just profoundly unclear. Half the time, it’s like he’s daring you to figure out what he’s saying—spoiler alert: no one really knows. They’re the ultimate ‘anti-establishment’ band that somehow became the establishment. Every song feels like it’s brooding in a dimly lit basement, trying to be mysterious but ending up as the soundtrack to every high schooler’s ‘no one understands me’ phase. Their whole vibe is basically ‘I don’t care’—which is probably why they didn’t bother learning more than three chords. But props to them for turning grunge into a lifestyle brand. Nirvana is the band that proved that if you look miserable enough and play just loud enough, you can convince the world that you’ve got something to say, even if no one’s quite sure what it is. Someone had to say it!
Basic Beats and White Claw Woes: The Chainsmokers’ Guide to Relatable Mediocrity
The duo that took ‘party music’ and made it the soundtrack for people whose wildest nights involve spilling a White Claw on the Uber driver’s seat. These guys managed to turn a Snapchat caption into a song format, like ‘drink too much, forgot what day it is, woke up in my clothes’—because apparently, having the life goals of a college freshman is relatable content. Their lyrics are essentially BuzzFeed quizzes in song form: ‘Are you messy, heartbroken, and somehow on a mattress in the middle of nowhere? Congrats! You’re living a Chainsmokers anthem.’ And let’s talk about that sound—a mix of EDM and pop with a dash of let’s-see-what-rhymes. Every song has the exact same beat drop, like they figured out one formula that works at Coachella and just hit repeat. It’s like they’re saying, ‘Who needs variety when we’ve got millennial whoops and synths on lock?’ Their biggest hit, Closer, might as well come with a trigger warning for anyone who can’t bear to hear ‘pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover’ one more time. Oh, and as if ‘Closer’ wasn’t enough, they’ve made an entire career out of songs about getting dumped, getting drunk, or both. Real variety, right? Credit where it’s due, though—The Chainsmokers know how to cash in on relatable mediocrity. They took every hazy night and questionable decision and made it sound like a lifestyle brand. The Chainsmokers: for everyone who peaked during Spring Break and thinks nostalgia for two years ago is deep. Hey, at least they’ve made a name for themselves in basic anthems. Someone had to say it!
Wonderwalls of Narcissism: Oasis’s Endless Love Affair with Themselves
The band that made sibling rivalry look like a full-time career. The Gallagher brothers could barely get through a soundcheck without hurling insults, but somehow, they convinced everyone that this was just ‘rock ‘n’ roll.’ Their lyrics make every song sound like a love letter to themselves, and if you don’t believe me, just look at the titles. Wonderwall? More like ‘Wonder-why-I’m-still-listening.’ And for a group that claims to be so revolutionary, their sound is basically ‘what if the Beatles but… louder and more nasal?’ Oasis made whining an art form and somehow convinced a generation it was ‘edgy’ to sound like you’re complaining into a tin can. They’re like that friend who plays one guitar riff and acts like they’ve invented music itself. And don’t even get started on their live shows—they’re either fantastic or a total trainwreck, depending on how much the brothers feel like hating each other that day. But hey, credit to them—they mastered the art of fighting over who’s more important in the band, all while playing the same four chords on repeat. Oasis: proving that you don’t need fresh ideas if you’ve got enough ego to last a lifetime. Someone had to say it!
